Debunking Common Sleep Training Myths
Sleep training: Some view it as a powerful tool that ushers in a new era of rest and harmony; others wouldn’t touch it with a thirty-nine-and-a-half-foot pole. Here at Ciao Ciao Sleep Coaching, we love sleep training, and we’re not afraid to say it.
Sleep training (when done correctly and safely) puts your child on a faster path toward establishing life-long healthy sleep habits — and that’s good for everyone in the house.
Alas, there are naysayers out there who want to “steal” your spine and make you feel like sleep training is not only the wrong choice but the worst choice you could possibly make. That’s where I come in.
In this blog, we dive into a few of the most common misconceptions about sleep training and take a closer look at why they’re a load of fooey. Let’s get started.
First things first: Understand what sleep training is and isn’t
Sleep training is a broad term for any method that teaches your baby to fall asleep independently. There are many approaches to sleep training, ranging from the fast and furious Ferber method (yes, that one) to the gentler, slower camping-out method.
I want to help you find the sleep training strategy that works for your family, but in my personal and professional experience, a more direct approach works best. So, when I talk about sleep training, I almost always mean a strategy that involves setting your child up for successful sleep and then giving them space to figure out how to fall asleep independently. This often involves crying; depending on your child’s temperament, it could be a lot of crying. But we’re not going to obsess over how long your child cries; instead, we’re going to look at the situation holistically and watch for a downward trend in your child’s protesting night after night. For instance, your child might cry for a whole hour the first night but only 45 minutes the next. That’s a major sign of improvement!
If this concept is completely foreign to you, that’s okay, and it’s why I’m here. I’d love to walk you through exactly what to expect from this approach to sleep training and help you feel more empowered and confident before you begin.
#1 Sleep training = crying = I’m a bad parent
You know that sleep is important for your child, but you have this incredible urge within you to keep them from feeling upset or frustrated. So, you convince yourself that:
Good sleep will come “when they’re ready.” I can handle co-sleeping, sleepless nights, etc., for a little longer.
If they can’t fall asleep without complaining, they aren’t ready for it.
My child’s crying is because they feel I’ve abandoned them.
If you relate to any of these statements, please accept this virtual hug. Those are tough things to feel, and you’re probably experiencing these emotions while also not sleeping well.
I am so glad you’re here.
I know many people out there are trying to tell you that your child will “sleep eventually” or that there’s a no-cry solution to sleep problems. Please believe me when I say that they’re almost always wrong. Yes, your eighth-grader won’t need to be nursed and rocked to sleep, but you don’t have to slug through years of sleepless nights until they finally figure it out. Some lucky parents have a kid who zooms through sleep training with nary a peep, but that’s not the case for most parents.
Here’s the deal: Even if you take a super gentle and gradual approach to sleep training, any time you alter your child’s norm, they will let you know they’re uncomfortable. It’s not fair for someone to guarantee no crying during sleep training. Any whimper from your baby will make you second-guess everything, and that’s not helpful.
Sleep training isn’t about how much crying you can and can’t handle. There will be crying, and depending on your kid, there might be a lot of it. The main thing I want you to focus on when you start sleep training is which strategy will work best based on what you know about your kid and their temperament and what’s worked or failed in the past.
From there, I can create and help you adhere to a customized sleep training program that works for your family (not someone else’s).
In short, don’t let anyone tell you that your child’s crying qualifies you as a parent. Crying is a part of life, especially when you’re lovingly helping your child establish life-long sleep habits.
#2 Sleep training is for lazy parents
Yes, people actually believe that parents who opt in for sleep training can’t be bothered to soothe their child for hours on end, share their beds for years, or otherwise nurture and love their child.
This is all false.
Many sleep-training families have tried everything under the sun and recognize their children suffer from a lack of sleep. If you’re ready to sleep train or you’re in the middle of it right now, know that you’ve made a thoughtful decision to set your child (and the rest of your family, for that matter) on a path of long-term health and wellness.
#3 Sleep training will damage my relationship with my child and cause irreversible trauma
Anti-sleep trainers love to pull out research (like this study) that “proves” sleep training causes long-lasting, deep-rooted trauma. However, those studies are often full of flaws, draw erroneous conclusions, or have participants who are suffering legitimate and severe neglect.
So, let me ask you a few questions:
Do you feed your child?
Do you bathe your child?
Do you hold, cuddle, tickle, and otherwise engage with your child?
Do you talk with your child every day, all day?
Do you respond to and meet their needs?
If you answered “yes” to these questions, then you are a certifiably fantastic parent. I would also venture to say that reading this blog and seeking answers to overcoming your child’s struggles is yet another indicator that you should be inducted into the Mom and Dad Hall of Fame.
Failing to recognize that your child is struggling to sleep (one of the most important factors in their growth and development) or failing to take action against their sleep deprivation causes much more harm than good.
Remember that sleep training lasts a few days to a few weeks at most. That pales in comparison to a lifetime of nurturing.
#4 Sleep training lasts forever, and I’ll have to keep redoing it
No child — even the one whose parents sleep-trained them — will sleep perfectly every night of their lives. You’ll have bumps in the road when a new sibling arrives, when it’s time for a “big kid bed,” when they spend a weekend at Grandma’s, you name it. The good news is that after you go through sleep training, your child has a foundation of healthy sleep they can count on.
And, no, sleep training does not take months and months — not when you do it correctly.
If you feel like you’ve been sleep training for a long time with no results, let’s talk about what you’re trying and see if we can’t make some tweaks!
#5 Gradual methods are better than sleep training
Sure. Gradual methods may work for some children, but they don’t work for every kid. That’s why one-size-fits-all, no-cry-guaranteed sleep strategies aren’t always the best way to go.
#6 I’m an AP, so I can’t sleep train
There’s this notion that by claiming you’re an attachment parent (AP), you’ve reached some upper echelon of parenting. You baby-wear, co-sleep, breastfeed through toddlerhood, and nurture your child better than anyone else. Any deviation from these practices means you’re not “in the club.”
This is ridiculous.
Aren’t we all deeply, irrevocably, and wholeheartedly attached to our children?
You achieve that secure attachment with your child not by doing what’s trendy but by responding and being tuned into your child’s needs. There are many ways to be physically and emotionally available to your child, and every parent has the opportunity to do so. It doesn’t matter if you breastfeed for years or offer formula, you baby-wear all day or set your child down every now and then, or you have them sleep in their own room down the hall or in a bassinet next to your bed.
Your bond with your child is unbreakable and does not rest on your lifestyle choices.
Remember that sleep is a fundamental human need, and helping your child meet that need through sleep training is often the most rational approach. Plus, if you and your baby are both well-rested, you have more space and energy to be emotionally available to them.
#7 If I sleep train, everything will be perfect
If there were a cure for sleep struggles, I would be out of a job. Sleep training is not a magic bullet, and when it comes to things like early rising, sucky naps, weaning, etc., neither cry-it-out nor camping out (or anything in between) is typically the solution.
So there you have it: The most garbage myths about sleep training debunked. I’m not here to start a debate or mom-shame you for not sleep training. I’m here for the mom who needs validation for doing what she thinks is right for her kids and give the gal-on-the-fence a bit more information from a fellow mom who’s been there.
If you’d like to discuss sleep training and my approach in more detail, schedule a free discovery call with me. If you’re ready to dive in, check out my sleep packages here.
